I was dreaming about biking, and if you know me well or see me around Greenwich Village, chances are that I’m riding my bike, walking it or at the very least have it locked up somewhere close by.

I am very passionate about biking as a means for transportation, but also as a way to clear your mind, stay active, and explore. One of my ‘dreams’ relating to biking would be to bike and backpack parts of the world, such as Europe, with a camera and document the journey.

I’ve been meaning to change the brakes on my back wheel—the back brake usually wears first for a rider like myself: biking in NYC, constantly changing pace, speeding up and slowing down to wind around corners, through a sea of pedestrians or cars. It has barely enough tension left to come to a full stop without the help of the front break.

In this dream, I’m biking so fast. I can feel the wind on my face, blowing my hair back and making my shirt puff up like a sailboat. I’m going so fast I don’t have time to look at what’s around me. My only focus is on steering through all the obstacles, blurred out because of the high speeds. One obstacle forces my instinct to brake, but my brakes are completely useless. No resistance when I squeeze my fingers against the metal handles.

I’m biking at top speed and I have no way of stopping yet there’s something else that’s off. I have no intention of stopping. No desire to stop.

So in this dream, I’m biking really fast, and I’m going somewhere. But I’m not quite sure where I’m headed. All that I am aware of is that I can’t slow down, and I don’t want to slow down.

Waking up in the morning, I biked to class after oversleeping slightly. On my short commute through The East Village. Like every bike commute, I hit my brakes at some point, and this time, I surprised myself when I saw that they work. It was at this moment that I remembered the dream, or more like that it was just a dream, and I was thankful to have the brakes this time around.

From that moment on, I started to wonder what this dream could mean. I started by thinking about how I felt in that moment. I might note that all dreams may not necessarily be meaningful, but of course that is subjective to the dreamer. And I, being the dreamer, definitely found this dream, or the memory of this dream to appear to pertain to something going on in my life.

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I think the speed relates a lot to how fast things are moving. I’m back to being a full time student, still working part-time and trying to balance all of my passions. I have to switch my mindset between school, my job, and all the additional work that goes into achieving my business goals. And of course, let me not forget the time to create art. To read and write, on Substack, in my journals, on a doc for a script.

I have never felt so busy in my life, but also I have never felt like there’s been so much going for me. And with all that’s going, life does seem to be moving at full speed. It’s like I’m less concerned with the things outside of my path, just as everything around me in my dream was non-memorable, as I sped through the city streets unable to slow down.

When you pack your days full of different tasks, it can feel like life is moving fast because your always busy. So I’m going fast from day to day, but I don’t want to have it any other way. I don’t want to give up on my entrepreneurial endeavors, nor do I want to stop writing and creating art.

I don’t want to brake or slow down. It’s not something I’m concerned with.

I think the surroundings, in this dream, can represent the noise out there. By noise I mean the opinions of those around you, mainly letting the voices of others dictate how you decide to act. It’s something I’ve been struggling with over the past year here in New York. And now I’ve realized that I need to start doing things for myself.

I’ve finally been able to get back on a path of honing in on my craft, and my purpose, leaving little room to slow down to hear the input from my peers, which tends to be distracting or useless.

So I’m biking fast with no brakes, and it doesn’t affect me because I’m here everyday, working to improve my skills as an artist, a businessman, a person. I’m not letting those around me pull me away from being who I want to be, especially for the fear of judgment or misperception. I’m not concerned with slowing down so that others may understand what I’m going through, or the path I’m taking.

The path that I’m taking. Like I mentioned before, I have no recollection of where I was going in my dream, nor do I think there was a ‘place’ that I was destined to arrive at. I just knew I had to keep biking, and I couldn’t stop for anything, or anyone.

All we have got is the journey. Life has too many mysteries to define a destination. Instead, we must realize that our time here is ephemeral from the perspective of the things we do. All the artwork we create, the thoughts we think as human beings, it’s all part of one’s journey. The journey and what you do in it is all we have once it’s over. We may become a memory based on the things we leave behind. The art, the writing, the impact on other people, their memories of us. All of it, all of it is a result of a journey well traveled.

There’s the old saying that the journey is more important than the destination. In other words, it matters not what I’m pedaling toward, just that I am pedaling somewhere. I’m pedaling. I’m moving in a direction. I’m pedaling onward, toward something yes, but what matters is the process of getting there, not what’s at the end of the road.

If you can just convince yourself to keep pedaling, keep swimming, keep working on the things you do, you’ll look back on your journey and say, “damn, look how far I’ve come”. When you hit that moment, you don’t just stop. You haven’t reached a destination, you’ve just given yourself even more reason to keep on going. Keep on living, creating and pedaling.

You got to keep on exploring, and keep on going. Because all we have is the journey. So why slow down when the ride is the whole point?

I have since fixed my back break.

It’s amazing what your mind can come up with while riding your bike…

“I need to take a step back and observe all the changes I’m going through in order to make sure that I’m becoming a person I want to be.”

This is a quote from Sep 16th, 2024. I wrote it in my first ever journal 3 weeks after moving to New York City. It seems that my old self already knew that the city would change me in less than a month living there. Unfortunately, I don’t think I took a big enough step back at the time.

Almost a year later I’ve now realized that I have forced out some of the things that made me who I am. One of the most notable things that made up me a year ago was New York City being my dream place to live in. I think that I’ve pushed out that thought since because it’s often perceived in a certain light. Maybe that it’s too cliché, or that it’s something very transplant-adjacent.

And while I definitely fit the definition of a transplant, that shouldn’t make me be worried about how others perceive me. Since I was in elementary school, I’ve always had a certain attraction to this city. From early childhood books, to tv shows, movies, famous artists of course—all of it seems to lead back here.

In my first semester of college, I had a final project where I made a short film on my phone about my love and feelings for the space I was in. It was called none other than New York or Nowhere. Quality aside, it seems to be a very accurate representation of my feelings on moving here to this day.

But upon reevaluating myself over the past year, I have changed way more than I intended, or at least in ways that I should’ve remained the same.

When I look back on me now versus me on the brink of moving here, I can’t help but think of the ship of Theseus paradox. For those unfamiliar, it poses a paradoxical question about a ship. It asks if you replace every piece of a ship one by one, is it the same ship once the last piece is replaced?

Change is good, and most say that change is for the better. I for one love change. A change of pace, change of the seasons, and especially an outfit change. But when it comes to your identity, I can only think to myself, am I the same person I was a year ago, after undergoing all these changes.

To take it back to the quote I started with. I had pierced my ears, painted my nails, and gotten a bleach buzz cut and painted leopard spots on it. All of this for the first time. And all of it in under a month of living in the city. So I wrote about how I need to slow down before all these changes turn me into an entirely new person.

Well, even with the advanced foresight, I still fell victim to letting the city change me, and change me way too much. Not all the changes were bad though. I am now in film school, and have my camera that I’ve been wanting ever since watching an Alexander James Travel video about flying to Peru with no plans in the summer of 2024 (about one week before moving to college at NYU).

Although I came here initially to attend business school, that was just a front to be able to have a support option while I pursue art independently. But for some reason, I forgot what kind of artist I was, and started to try to become someone I was not.

I forgot that I love painting, woodworking, creating hands on art that can be displayed in my room. I also have always loved writing, and that part was luckily improved upon and given care throughout my first year of school. But for some reason, I tried picking up things that I wasn’t. Making music or switching to mediums I had honestly never touched.

By the end of the year, and by no surprise, I hadn’t really made anything of quality. I had my New York or Nowhere video that was on YouTube, but it’s obvious evidence of the learning that still needs to be done. Other than that, the production of my ideas was at an all time low.

And I mean there’s no shame in that. I was a first year college kid having fun in a new city. But honestly, I don’t want to be like every other first year college kid. My new friend to the city, Ali, recently mentioned that he realized he didn’t fit in his hometown when people criticized him for being too productivity oriented, or being too self critical. And those critics have a point, there is a need for enjoying the moment.

But I, just like Ali, fell in love with New York City for all the charm from the successful artists, movie makers, authors etc. And NOT the everyday college kid who gets by with just doing ‘enough’. And gets by with having a little too much fun instead of dedicating their free time to the grind like I, and my new friend Ali, always have.

So it’s important to me to always remain focused on something. Even when you think you are all out of breath, at least have your eyes on something, and work toward it little by little day by day. It’s better to work on your goals each day, no matter how little you do, than to take a seat while life takes you for a ride. You must take the wheel.

But in order to get to your destination, you must know where you’re going, or at least the general direction you’d like to travel. With all the change that I went through, I started to lose all grasp of direction. I was picking up new things, changing the way I look, what I do with my free time that used to always be dedicated to the same things, and I started traveling in the opposite direction, and starting a new journey each day instead of focusing on one single destination that I want to reach.

Sometimes leaving the city is what resets you mentally.

So that’s what I did. From trips upstate to trips out to family in the Midwest, I started to view NYC from an outsider’s perspective again, both physically and metaphorically. On a day-trip upstate, I was about halfway into my 17 mile hike when I saw a rock spray-painted with the words “NYC VIEW POINT” and an arrow pointing up to the top of the rock that the letters were inscribed. So I climbed up the rock and turned around to see the skyline.

Never have I seen the cityscape look so small, like astronauts looking at Earth from deep space. In this moment I started to reflect and remember the inspiration that I felt from the city and all of its clichés and perceptions in media. Not from the people I interact with while living there because that leads to useless comparison, but instead the inspiration that lay dormant deep inside me. Sleeping as another part of my mind remains active, distracted by the brevity of every-day life in the fascinating city.

And when I was a thousand miles away back in Nebraska or Colorado, I was excited to get back to the city. And excited for what exactly? For the very same inspiration that lured me in the first time. I wanted to live my fantasy in New York City.

Now, I’m back in my second year of college with more hope and excitement than ever before. I feel that I’m starting to find my bearings again, and remembering who I am, or who I was coming here.

What if instead of replacing each part of the ship, you inspect what you have and see what’s good and what needs to go. Somethings may need to be thrown away, and some are there to stay forever. But the parts in between? Maybe they can be taken in, fixed up and improved upon, then put back onto the ship to make it run better than ever before.

That’s where I’m headed now. Some parts of me need to remain the same, some need to go, and for the parts in between… There’s a whole lot more to come.

Thanks for reading, and please follow and share!

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Click down below to watch the video mentioned in the post above! It is definitely far from my best work which is a good thing because I think it demonstrates some basic film technique and storytelling understanding. Also this video was one I posted originally in December 2024, but then re-edited in February to send to the International Cellphone Cinema Showcase in Cannes. That re-edited version is what’s posted. Not only that, but I also plan on making a completely new rendition of the New York or Nowhere. I want to make it as a testament to all that I have learned. Both physically with my video making/film skills as well as my state of mind: mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That will be coming soon!

New York or Nowhere

Also check out my old art account on instagram for a look into the business I ran in high school. Art Insta

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Please comment if any of this struck you in any kind of way, or if you related to any parts, let me know!

When I look back on it and reflect, It seems as though I have achieved all the biggest things I said I would, yet I’ve never felt further from finding my true identity. My true self. It seems as though I’ve lost myself to the everything.

I, like many, have been dreaming big for as long as I can remember. The earliest lofty goal or dream in my stream of consciousness had occurred on the way home from elementary school. I was listening in on a conversation about college as my older brother was moving out soon to attend the University of Nebraska Lincoln, the big state school that everyone from my hometown went to. But I, at the imaginative age of no older than 9 years, was thinking to myself that I would attend the best college in the world when I’m his age.

I never quite understood where my ambition came from. I understand that it’s a good thing to be ambitious, but sometimes I stop to wonder, why me? Why am I any more ambitious and curious than anyone else around me? There’s no specific event in my upbringing that I can pin it to. Maybe it was the deals my parents made me when I was younger to be successful. As soon as I learned what college was, my Dad would always say that if I got a full ride to any school at all, he would buy me ‘any’ new car I wanted.

It was mostly a joke, but we both knew that any new car within reason would be a fraction of the cost of college. So it made sense to my kid self to stay on that track with my academics in order to get a cool car.

When I got to the to that point in life where you have to think about college, I was in the position to attend a numerous amount of universities for free, or reach for the stars and try to get accepted into the top universities. Thinking back to my 9 year old promise to myself, I was still much more inclined to want to attend the best school in the world. But, there were a few other factors swaying me to certain cities.

My Dad definitely had a bias toward more noble pursuits while my Mom wanted to make sure I valued and appreciated the beauty and soul of life through things like drawing, writing, and thinking. My Dad would often make me deals that if I do something good, I get rewarded. It ranged from things as simple as if you win your soccer game, you can get ice cream with sprinkles. Because sprinkles are for winners. He works in this kind of way, his gratitude is always a motivator for me to work hard in school and sports. But my Mom, she instilled in me the love for the arts. And my love for art quickly turned into an infatuation for New York City.

In high school, I was able to combine both of these pursuits to create a business selling art. It made both of them extremely proud as it appealed to both of their preferences. I was drawing from historic influences in books, movies, singers who all seemed to be based in NYC. From Jean-Michel Basquiat to Martin Scorsese or books that I read for class, everything led back to New York. All the art that I was making was inspired by those creating stuff from artist enclaves of the world. I was able to jump around between any medium that I could afford to work with, and it scratched the itch that my mom labels as creative ADHD.

At this point in high school, I felt like I was on top of the world, I had so many inspirations, and was so happy making new stuff every single day. But I was aware that it wasn’t sustainable because soon my inner being would desire more, something on a larger scale.

Anything that I saw others create, I wanted to create. This mindset, combined with the determination from the oath I took at 9 years old put me in the exact spot to have a shot at attending the ‘best university in the world’.

And I did just that. I put myself in the position from such a young age to be qualified for the top universities. Writing about the business I started on all my applications, I ended up in the heart of Manhattan at NYU.

This is who I was, I was freshly living my childhood dream, and I still had all the reputation from the life that I had just left behind. At this point, I was a business owner and an artist.

As soon as I arrived in NYC as a freshman college student, I realized that going to business school would not allow me to live the dream that I had romanticized so deeply in my past. So I decided to join film school.

Now, I am a student at both the number one film school top ten business school. To my younger self… we did it.

But, an anticipated degree of utmost quality only goes so far. It’s only theoretical success or honor. And I still have dreams, I have dreams to create art in all forms until I grow old and brittle and am physically incapable to do so. It’s what I yearn for.

Yet even with the ambition, all the right resources and all the knowledge at my fingertips, I have found that upon moving here I’ve rid myself of the very things that got me here. My identity. I’ve lost myself to the everything.

Growing up in Nebraska as someone who prefers art over the more noble, or dull pursuits, as I call them, I was a standout. In high school, I went from an outcast to the popular person, simply by being uniquely myself and not caring about the opinions of others. This was quite easy for me because all the people commenting negative things about the things I do, make or wear were not people that had any qualities or potential that I cared about. In other words, I didn’t care about the opinions of those that I didn’t want to be anything like in the first place.

But in New York, everyone is so much cooler. Everyone is doing something that I do want to be like. So suddenly, I started to care about what others are doing, thinking, and viewing myself. My creative ADHD, as my mom labels it, caused me to be jumping from one thing to the other, acting on creative impulses too often. What was once my best friend, now became my worst enemy.

It was especially hard to find my new passion when I left behind my entire workshop at home. Everyone else seemed to have a passion that they had been doing since they were 9 years old, and are, by no surprise, really good at. My thing since I was 9 years old was, well, getting into the best college, and soccer. And my other passions since early high school, were all stuck behind in my high-school-home because they take up so much space. Not to say that one is more important than the other, but art is going to stay with me forever, and my involvement in soccer saw a massive drop-off upon going away to college.

It seemed like everything that I had made my identity had no weight in this city. And all the things I tried to claim just didn’t work out. As someone so open-minded and so eager to jump from medium to medium, the overwhelming opportunities in New York actually caused me to halt any creative productivity rather than foster it.

I was lost in the everything.

I am still lost in the everything.

This point in my life is a pivotal time because I’ve never had this much independence and freedom combined with an infinite source of inspiration. Being lost in the everything can be defined more clearly as feeling a sense of uncertainty about one’s direction in life or a detachment from one’s sense of purpose. There’s infinite possibilities in this city, and it seems like you can be anything, or everything. Everything that exists is just one short bike, car, or subway ride away. How can anyone settle on one idea in a city that offers everything you’ve ever thought of.

My unique interpretation of this saying goes like this.

For me, I’ve always gotten so caught up in the present. Or been so infatuated with the current project I’m working on… until now, where all I can think about is doing other things. More profound things. More creative things. I’ve gotten so caught up in what others are doing, trying to use them for inspiration, that I haven’t given myself the time to create my own work.

In a small place like Nebraska, you might get inspiration from time to time in a book you read, a new movie, or maybe a profound video on the internet. Then you have time and space to digest it, and you’re able to sit alone with it. You can develop the inspiration into that you have gotten from it into new ideas, new works, new art.

I truly thought that this creative process, the one I had developed quite well, would help promote creative success in my new home. And if not success then at least it would keep me making projects like it always had. But anytime I was heavily inspired, the feeling lasted at most a couple of hours before something else inspired me. There is inspiration absolutely everywhere in this city, and if you’re not careful, if you don’t allow yourself to be alone and think independently, it can be more harmful than helpful to creating something of your own.

I was distracted by the everything.

I was lost in the everything.

Now, I’m at the dawn of a new era. The nascence of my second year in New York. I’m in the process of finding myself once again. I used to worry about others’ opinions on certain aspects of my daily life like the things I think, write and create. Now I’m redefining who I am and embracing these certain aspects of my life with confidence. It’s time to start creating internally, instead of checking to see what others are doing, but especially thinking or saying about what I’m creating.

It’s like Andy Warhol said about creating ‘good’ art in the presence of others. “While they are deciding, make even more art”

I was lost in the everything.

I am lost in the everything.

But this means that any step that I decide to take, is in the right direction. As long as I take that step on my own, independently. Without room for others to change my mind about what I think is worth making.

From being lost in everything, to rediscovering that I can be anything. All it takes is one strong independent thought. A thought that’s yours and you don’t let anyone else touch, until it’s realized. A thought such as wanting to go to the best college in the world.

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